It’s the final day of this intense Mercury retrograde, and I’m feeling the big shift in energy! How about you? Suddenly my doubts and negative self-talk have dropped away. There’s an urgent need to get some of my projects off the ground, and there’s been a flurry of social activity and organising! How ‘s your inbox – overflowing??
Part of what this pass back over old ground has shown me is how often the story in my head is one of disconnection.
It’s like, if my body-mind was a library room lined with the numerous “books” of my beliefs, choices and experiences, then ‘Rebecca’s Book of Relational Disconnection’ lies open on a table, ready to grab in a heartbeat. Go-to text for whenever things feel wobbly with another person. Sage advice on how to distance oneself in the hopes that it will all go away, or better yet, to punish the offending person. Tips on how to project onto others whatever is feeling painful and provocative to me. Retirement survival plans for when you’re left with no friends. You get the drift.
There are other books on the shelves that offer alternative advice on friendships and relational intimacy, but the story on the table is the one I taught myself to read when I was young, and when things go awry, I often find myself holding it in my hands without even consciously picking it up.
Other books that have fallen off the shelves right into my hands these last few weeks include ‘The Unchanging Nature of Shyness & Introversion: You’re Stuck With It,’ ‘The “Who Do You Think You Are??” Guide to Leadership,’ and ‘How You Were Screwed By Your Parents In Your Early Childhood Years’ – I used to read that one a lot, but thankfully not so much anymore!
I am playing, of course! Black humour helping me name my biggest wounds and false beliefs. It was liberating to draw pictures of these beliefs as books, to see them as contained volumes and remind myself that there are so many books in the library, many stories I’ve deliberately gathered over the years that reflect a positive, expectant and integrated response to life.
In December the planet Saturn, representing our structured self, moved into Sagittarius, sign of the story-teller, the philosopher. And so the questions arise: ‘What stories do we tell about ourselves, others and the world? And are these stories helpful? How do these stories, these neural pathways, these relational patterns, these cultural narratives, help us birth positive structures and forms in our lives?’
While they’re familiar, these black texts in my Library of Self cannot be construed as helpful. Perhaps they once were useful, when I needed such defences to survive. Perhaps they once matched my worldview. But now, they’re not just unhelpful, they cause me to forget a significant truth that has been settling into my body and heart the last two years: my cup is full! More than ever, I’m learning that’s it’s okay to show up as myself.
Yes, these black texts still have a home in my library – I haven’t managed to cull them yet. Maybe never will. But new titles are grabbing my attention and filling my heart-space: ‘Surprising Collaborations: Trusting the Process,’ ‘Deepening As Lovers,’ ‘Sacred Wound to Sacred Gift’ and ‘The Power of the Glad: How Mermaids And Women In General Are Changing the World.’
Time to draw these new books, a visual reminder to choose the neural pathway less travelled!
How about you, what books have you found yourself reading and acting out these last weeks? And what new books are calling to you? 🙂