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Here\u2019s a brief story\u00a0of my birth and an exploration of how this experience has functioned as\u00a0a primary imprint or template for how I live, create and birth things:<\/p>\nHere\u2019s a brief story\u00a0of my birth and an exploration of how this experience has functioned as\u00a0a primary imprint or template for how I live, create and birth things:<\/p>\n
I was born in hospital, with an epidural and forceps.\u00a0 My mum felt unmet and unsupported by the midwives on duty and deeply grateful when her obstetrician came along and offered help in the form of an epidural.\u00a0 I felt cold and alone when the energetic connection between my mum and I was severed as the epidural kicked in.\u00a0 I know I was deeply loved and welcomed by my parents.<\/p>\n
This entry into the world has meant that being in deep\/close relationship with anyone feels risky, to a large extent.\u00a0 When\u2019s the shit going to hit the fan<\/em>, I wonder?\u00a0 When will this amiable\u00a0closeness transmute into painful distance?<\/em>\u00a0 This is the pattern of relating I learned at birth, and continue to re-enact, to a large extent.<\/p>\n I was a shy, sensitive child.\u00a0 It\u2019s often felt safer to do things on my own, and when I\u2019m triggered, I usually retreat emotionally (feel \u2018cold\u2019).\u00a0 The work of aligning my vision and needs with someone else\u2019s can at times feel hopeless.<\/p>\n I also hate feeling rushed!\u00a0 So when I\u2019m birthing things, it\u2019s important to feel on my own timelines.\u00a0 That said, I\u2019m noticing I often leave things to the last minute, using an external deadline to push me into action.\u00a0 (forceps birth)<\/p>\n When it came to birthing my first-born child, I knew I couldn\u2019t do such a big thing on my own, but birthing in hospital felt too risky. \u00a0I knew I wouldn\u2019t get the help\u00a0and spaciousness I needed. \u00a0My daughter’s\u00a0birth was a journey in following my instincts and calling in the kindred support I needed to dive deeply into such a vulnerable collaborative space.<\/p>\n My two other births were awesomely positive ripples from the first birth!\u00a0 I felt very safe, supported and connected to myself and my family and midwives, with one of my midwives being present to the births of all three children at home.<\/p>\n Ha, interestingly as I write that, I remember I had a whole journey around feeling connected and disconnected with my mother, throughout all three births \u2013 she was present as midwife for my first birth, not present at all for the second birth, and present looking after the two older kids for the third birth \u2013 my own birth playing out again.\u00a0 The ongoing question: how can we work together?\u00a0 How much distance does there need to be between us for both of us to feel comfortable and relaxed?\u00a0 Can I trust the distant\/numb\/separate \u2018second phase\u2019, knowing we will come together again?<\/em><\/p>\n I can see how working alone has often felt safer and less complicated.\u00a0 I bear witness to how vulnerable I can feel at times, working with other people (my husband, dear friends, etc.).\u00a0 I avoid intimacy at times.\u00a0 The risk of staying in connection is that I will lose it unexpectedly (epidural), and encounter that coldness once again.\u00a0 This is a Sacred Wound, and hitting this perceived \u2018you\u2019re-on-your-own\u2019 feeling is so often a trigger into a wordless, preverbal pain.<\/p>\n In a parallel dynamic, I am also hypersensitive to group dynamics and the possibility for people to feel hurt or impacted by the actions of others.\u00a0 Much of my work centres around building connection \u2013 to Self through awareness and non-judgment, fundamentally, but also within groups.\u00a0 Creating loving groups in which we can feel safe enough to be our true selves \u2013 both vulnerable and fearful, as well as shining and visionary \u2013 is part of my Life\u2019s Work!<\/p>\n For years, I have been blessed to have been part of women\u2019s circles where it has been safe to bring the whole of myself, to have opportunities to \u2018lean into\u2019 intimacy and connection.\u00a0 Fundamentally, these spaces and beloveds have taught me about staying in connection with myself<\/em> regardless of how particular relationships are feeling or how others are acting.<\/p>\n What I am noticing is that I feel safe to stay in relationship when there is room to be a deeply-feeling person, nothing \u2018numbed out\u2019.\u00a0 In my childhood, there was little room for my tears and anger.\u00a0 I never could numb out very well, nor was ever really tempted to use drink\/drugs\/whatever to do so.\u00a0 I retreated to process these emotions on my own, initiating many times over, and to this day, my own \u2018second stage exile\u2019.<\/p>\n Slowly my tolerance for that cold, alone feeling is increasing\u2026 but it\u2019s very slow!\u00a0 Such an old deep wound, a trip-wire buried deep within.\u00a0 If I stay with the inexplicable grief of feeling so suddenly alone and bereft, I am on the right track, though it is so easy to arc up into anger as a defence mechanism.<\/p>\n These days I honour my deep-feeling nature as an invaluable part of my approach to life and my creativity \u2013 a constant inspiration!\u00a0 And I am calling in more and more collaboration \u2013 so very necessary and joyful! \u00a0Collaboration that feels more possible and vibrant in light of my increased self-awareness about the fears I bring to these relationships.<\/p>\n So in terms of bringing this consciousness to the What Lies Beneath creative process<\/a>, I will be watching for any sense of external \u2018pressure to perform\u2019, not wanting that to shut down my creativity to the point that I need help (forceps!).<\/p>\n I will allow myself to create slowly, with meaning and full-feeling.<\/p>\n I will make sure I nourish my body along the way, and pause for many cups of tea!<\/p>\n I will relish any acts of collaboration, remembering that it is safe to work together with others, and that even when this doesn\u2019t feel true or when there are clashes of needs or values, I provide safety for myself and others by staying in connection with myself.<\/p>\n And, I will take time for myself in the week in between the two workshops, because I really am nourished by time alone, introvert that I am.<\/p>\n I will do my bit to create a space where all emotions are not judged but rather welcomed for the valuable information they offer.<\/p>\n I will bring all my embodied trust of the birth process to this experience \u2013 I really am excited and trusting of this collective pregnancy and birth!\u00a0 I am also open to any \u2018crises of confidence\u2019 as evidence that we are birthing something big and amazing, providing valuable information for our process.<\/p>\n Hope these reflections spark your own musings on your own birth!<\/p>\n (Many thanks to Jane Hardwicke Collings<\/a> for bringing this birth-imprint awareness into my life, and to my mother, for being brave enough to be with me in this ongoing, tender dynamic of perceived connection and disconnection.)<\/p>\n Write the stories of your \u2018visits to the birth altar\u2019 (children, miscarriages, abortions), if any. What are the stories of other \u2018births\u2019 of projects, businesses, events, artworks, etc?<\/em><\/p>\n Can you see how your birth has impacted how you birth things?<\/em><\/p>\n Can you see how your birth has affected how you live, how you approach this creative act called Life?<\/em><\/p>\n What are the common themes?<\/em><\/p>\n Another tool to bear witness to our creative\/birthing patterns is the Lunar Solar Journal<\/a><\/em>, a monthly and seasonal invitation I’ve created to reflect on our lives using a map based on the cycles of Moon and Sun.\u00a0 We record our experiences on the page in the context of these ceaseless waves of ascent and descent, birth and death, creation and disintegration, using this information to \u2018flow\u2019 more gracefully with Life and to live with intention, practising a form of soul-gardening\u2026<\/p>\n ~~~~~<\/p>\n
\nJournalling
\n<\/strong>Write the story of your own birth.
\n(perhaps you want to clarify details with your parents?)<\/em><\/p>\n
\n(every pregnancy results in a birth)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nResources
\n<\/strong>A woman called Robyn Fernance has written a book called Being Born: How Your Birth Affects Your Learning, Performance, Lifestyle and Relationships<\/a><\/em>, which runs though many different birth scenarios and their potential impact.\u00a0 (Ccaesarean, big baby, \u2018wrong\u2019 sex, cord around the neck, held back, induced, premature, unwanted, twins, \u2018easy\u2019 and \u2018fast\u2019 births, etc.).\u00a0 Well worth a peek.<\/p>\n
![\"Signature\"](\"http:\/\/www.midwifeofthesoul.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/Signature.jpg\")
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